Dinner at Simpsons One Way or Another
by Master Of All Imagination
Summary: One Monday night, two fangirls make a vow: one way or another, they would get Holmes and Watson to take them on a double date to Simpsons.  An epic quest ensues. Crackfic!
1. In Which a Daring Plan is Hatched

**A/N: This is the brainchild of ..jar's and mine's random discussion on how we could get the duo to go on a double date with us. Do not take it seriously, and expect slight OOC-ness. Also lots of crack. I'll be throwing some random fiction references in, which I will try to explain here. First up if you guys don't know who Meggie is, she's from Inkheart and she has the ability to send people into or bring people out of books by reading them aloud with her voice. Pretty wicked ability in my opinion. Secondly, the part where it says "The room started to spin. It spun faster and faster…" is stolen unashamedly from Mary Pope Osbourne's Magic Tree House series, which I used to read as a kid, and thought a fitting description.**

Dinner at Simpsons… One Way or Another

… One Monday night, two Sherlock Holmes fan girls made a vow: one way or another, they would get Holmes and Watson to accompany them on a double date at Simpsons by 8 o'clock the next night. The following is the epic tale of how they accomplished their goal.

"Oooh, that is cunning!" cried Elle as Braith finished detailing her plan. "We get to Baker Street; you jack Holmes's pipe, violin, and cocaine. Then I take Watson, get him to fall head over heels for me, and threaten Holmes with the destruction of said property until he agrees to let us go to Simpsons with him and Watson for a double date! Only one problem, though. How do we, 21st century Americans, go back in time to 19th century Britain?" They both fell into contemplative thought. Suddenly Elle snapped her fingers. "I've got it! I'll call up my friend Meggie and have her read us into the stories!" Braith flashed her friend a grin.

"Perfect! You get the Canon, I'll get the period- correct costumes, and we'll be having tea at Baker Street in no time!" Elle darted to the phone and speed-dialed Meggie while Braith darted off to the costume shop to requisition the necessary items. When she returned her friend was waiting with Meggie and a copy of _The Complete Sherlock Holmes_. Braith dumped a heavy Victorian-style dress into Elle's arms and they hurriedly changed. She unexpectedly thrust something hard and cold into her hand.

"What's this?" asked Elle, staring at the gun with raised eyebrows.

"That," said Braith, "Is a metallic argument in the case that our plan doesn't work." Elle nodded.

"Aye, sounds good to me. But where am I supposed to put the thing?" Braith looked her up and down, observing the pocketless lavender gown, and then surveyed her own powder blue version, momentarily stumped. Then she perked up, an "Aha!" moment illuminating her eyes, and she hiked up her skirts, tying the gun to her leg with a handkerchief. When she saw the look Elle was giving her, she shrugged.

"What? Do you have a better idea?" Elle admitted she did not and dutifully followed suit.

"You girls all ready?" Meggie asked. They both nodded and she opened up that most holy of books, Sherlock Holmes. "Do you have a story you would prefer?"

"Charles Augustus Milverton!" They both said at once.

"Alright, here it goes," announced Meggie, and she began. _"We had been out for one of our evening rambles, Holmes and I, and we had returned about six o'clock on a cold, frosty winter's evening. As Holmes turned up the lamp the light fell upon…" _at the sound of her voice, the room started to spin. It spun faster and faster. Then everything was still. Absolutely still.

As Holmes turned up the lamp, he saw to his astonishment that it illuminated two beautiful young ladies who were sitting poised in his and Watson's fireside armchairs. Momentarily too stunned to speak, he overheard the one in Watson's chair whisper,

"OMG, Braith! You're sitting in Holmes's chair!"

"And you're sitting in Watson's!" she giggled back, squirming excitedly. She seemed to notice Holmes just then, and she immediately stopped, mouth gaping open. The other promptly followed suit upon sight of Watson, just taking off his coat and hat.

Braith slumped contentedly in her chair and seemed to forget herself until Elle hissed,

"Remember the plan! Get the pipe, violin, and cocaine! I'll get Watson!"

"Right!" she exclaimed, and before either gentleman had time to react, Elle had bounded up behind Watson and seized his wrists, pinning them together, and Braith had scrambled around the room, picking up objects with such familiarity as to their whereabouts it was astonishing she didn't live there.

"What is the meaning of this?" Holmes cried, going for his desk and the hair trigger hidden there.

"Ah ah ah," said Braith, wagging a finger. "I have possession of your most valued items, and I am not afraid to damage them if I have to." Holmes stopped in his tracks, reassessing the teenage girl.

"Very well," he sighed. "What are your demands?" Braith smiled widely, joy lighting up her features.

"We demand that you and Watson accompany us on a double date to Simpsons tonight." For a moment, no one spoke, and Holmes and Watson exchanged looks of pure incredulity. Finally Holmes said,

"I am sorry, but Watson and I have an important engagement tonight, and it cannot be missed." It was Braith and Elle's turn to exchange looks of incredulity. Then Elle's mouth formed a silent O as she realized what was happening.

"Oh, Braith, remember what story we're in! The Adventure of Charles Augustus Milverton! They're going to burgle his house tonight!" Braith nodded in understanding, thinking quickly on how to overcome this setback. Meanwhile Holmes was left to ponder over just how exactly the strange young woman holding Watson hostage knew their plans. In a second, he had reached a conclusion.

"Young woman," he began, only to have Braith interrupt,

"My name is Braith."

"Very well, Miss Braith, then. I do not know how you know about Charles Augustus Milverton, the king of blackmailers, but I can only assume it is because you are in his employ and have been forced to come here and demand a date from us as a distraction from what we are about to do. As such, we really cannot comply. Nor can we send you on your way, for then he will know that his ruse did not work and will be prepared for us tonight. It seems we are at an impasse." Elle responded with indignity,

"What? Are you calling us spies? Are you insinuating that we are spying for that filthy monstrosity that calls himself Charles Milverton? I am deeply offended! Here we are, two dizzy fan girls-" here Watson interrupted.

"Fan-girl?" He queried. Elle merely smiled her most winning smile and said,

"I'll explain later. But I can assure you our only purpose coming here was to procure dates for tonight, and as you are clearly unable to come to dinner, we shall just have to accompany you to Milverton's house. A different kind of date, admittedly, but satisfactory all the same." Watson looked down at the determined girl holding his wrists in a vice-like grip and immediately pointed out,

"For heaven's sake, Elle, think what you are doing!" Elle looked up at him with determination on her face.

"My dear fellow, I have given it every consideration, and I assure you we are resolute in the matter." She glanced at Braith for conformation, who was surprised at the turn of events, but nodded anyways. "You must acquiesce to our request, as my friend here still has custody over your violin, pipe and cocaine, and I am sure, Holmes, that you do not wish harm to come to any of them." Holmes took one last look at said items, held tightly in Braith's arms, and sighed.

"Well, well, my dear girl, be it so. You know, Watson, I don't mind confessing to you that I have always had an idea that I would have made a highly efficient criminal. It comes to mind that these girls here would also have fit the type." Both smiled at the praise. "Everything is in order. Have you women a pair of silent shoes?"

"We've got our sneakers-er-trainers," said Elle, fumbling for the British term for sneakers, and she showed them her purple Nikes that she wore under her dress.

"Excellent! And a mask?"

"I can make four out of black silk," said Watson.

"I can see you have a strong, natural turn for this sort of thing. Very good. It is now seven-thirty. We shall have some cold supper before we start. But in the meantime, Miss Braith, I would prefer it if you could set down those items you hold currently." She shook her head, flirtily inquiring,

"How do I know you won't renege on our agreement if I do?" Holmes shook his head wearily and rang the bell for Mrs. Hudson without replying. He was resigned to get the night over with as quickly as possible.


	2. In Which Witty Banter Is Exchanged

Soon we were ready to depart. Holmes and Watson had donned their dress-clothes so they might appear to be theater goers, and Elle and Braith their dates. Braith gleefully walked arm in arm with Holmes, Elle linking arms no less gleefully with Watson a half step behind them. In Oxford Street they picked up a hamsom and drove to an address in Hampstead. Here they paid off their cab and Holmes and Watson, always the gentlemen, gave their greatcoats to the ladies so they might not shiver, for it was bitterly cold. Elle coyly arranged so that her hand might brush Watson's as he placed it around her shoulders, and to her immense delight, he blushed ever so slightly at the contact.

"Let us put on the masks now. It is a shame you ladies do not have any less conspicuous color of gown to don. Pastels are not good colors to be sneaking around in the night-time with."

"With yours and Watson's jackets we shan't be too conspicuous," Braith pointed out. Holmes reluctantly admitted her point.

"I should have preferred to have gone on this errand alone, but seeing as my hands are tied in this business, we must lay down some ground rules. Neither of you are to impede in our business, and in fact, it would probably be best if you kept ten steps behind us at all times, as you are without any means of aiding us. If worse comes to worse, you are to make a hasty exit." Elle was fumbling with the hem of her dress. After a moment, she straightened triumphantly, holding the gun which had previously been tied to her leg. Braith immediately untied her own.

"As you can see, Holmes, we are not totally helpless." Watson's mouth had fallen open, and Holmes seemed on the verge of a smile.

"I stand corrected. Perhaps you are not so useless as I had first assumed." He and Watson went on ahead to scout out the area, while Elle and Braith were left to contemplate their guns.

"Braith, have you ever fired a gun before?" Braith looked at Elle, her face deadpan.

"Well, no, actually. But I watch a lot of CSI, and I think you go like this-" she fumbled with a small catch on the top of her gun, holding it out in front of her with both hands, aimed directly at Elle. The girl put up her hands and immediately backed out of range.

"Whoah, whoah, watch where you're pointing that thing!"

"Right. Sorry," said Braith sheepishly, lowering the weapon. Just then Holmes and Watson came back, and she quickly stopped playing with her weapon. Elle tried to hold it confidently, like she handled guns every day, but she had a suspicion that she just looked like an idiot. Braith, oddly confident with a gun in her hand, decided to try something. If she could not warm the heart of love-hating Holmes, she could at least garner some respect from him.

"I perceive," began Braith, "that you have a brother."

"Indeed," Holmes replied, unfazed. "I perceive you have a sister."

"Indeed," Braith returned.

"Is she always like this?" Watson whispered to Elle.

"Only when she's flirting," Elle replied, smiling to herself.

"I am afraid her efforts are wasted. Holmes cares nothing for the softer passions, and even less for those who endeavor to make him change his mind."

"And are my efforts wasted on you?" Elle inquired innocently. Watson was caught off guard for a moment, but then he smiled.

"Of course not. A beautiful lady like you could never go unnoticed."

"Except by Holmes, of course," I quipped, eliciting a small chuckle from Watson.

"In_deed_." Holmes and Braith, oblivious to this exchange, continued on with their repartee.

"From the different colored barrette in your hair, I see that it is borrowed. It comes from your sister."

"It could have been my mothers."

"I do not think so, for it is in the shape of a rather juvenile butterfly. Hardly a grown woman's hair accessory. Also from this I perceive you were in a great hurry when you dressed this morning, otherwise you, a seemingly well groomed young lady, would for the same reasons not be sporting it but for the fact that you were in a great hurry."

"Touché," Braith admitted. "But I also know that your brother works for the queen, and is very highly ranked." If Holmes was surprised at how she knew this, he didn't show it."

"Pray tell how you arrived at that neat deduction," he prompted. Braith opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again, gaping like a fish. How was she to explain to Holmes that she knew about his brother from a story? She cast a desperate glance back at Elle, mouthing "Help me," but Elle just shrugged, equally at a loss. Finally Braith settled for a quip Holmes had often used himself when asked to explain his logic.

"If I were to tell you, all the mystery would have been taken out of it, and it would become commonplace." Holmes quirked one eyebrow at her, against his will amused, and accused her,

"Then you really must be in the employ of Milverton. How else could you be in the possession of this little- known piece of knowledge? In fact, the only one…" Holmes trailed off, a light growing in his eyes. He could have facepalmed himself at how obvious it was.

"Watson! What did you tell this woman about me?" Poor Watson's eyes widened in surprise and innocence as he stuttered,

"Nothing, Holmes! I swear, I told her nothing!" Holmes grunted to himself, knowing that Watson was no use at prevaricating and that he was most likely telling the truth. He was about to continue grilling Braith as to the source of her information but Elle cut him off.

"Excuse me, but moonlight is a-wasting, and we do have a house to burgle." Watson immediately backed her up.

"Yes, we should get going. The way seems clear, and Holmes has assured me that the dog is locked up." We all nodded and strode furtively into the night in the direction of Milverton's house.


End file.
